25. Surrender

apparently I started skipping days again…
yesterday I blogged day 25 but apparently today


September 6th 2014 and its the  25th day away from my addiction

My Re Beginning was

AUGUST 13TH 2014


noun: depression; plural noun: depressions


severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.


a condition of mental disturbance characterized by depression to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

“clinical depression”

Today my depression is overwhelming me.  I can’t shake this empty hollow feeling in my chest.  It is so empty and hollow that I feel like my ribcage is going to collapse INTO itself.  I don’t understand depression.  I don’t understand nervous disorders.  I don’t understand addiction.  Hell I don’t even understand love.  does anyone.?  I honestly don’t think anyone can understand any of those things.  How are we an intelligent species.?

I cant decide what exactly is causing this depression today.  If it’s the fact that I miss my daddy?  Or is it something stupid and silly like I need more sunshine in my life.  Maybe I need to go lay in the bed of the truck and close my eyes to pretend like it’s the ocean… hell maybe the sounds of the trucks could be mistaken or imagined into being the sounds of the Santa Cruz waves crashing into the cliff side.  It could also be my Facebook stalker who keeps posting my raunchy nude pictures that I took while I was in the middle of a hard part of my life.  While I was smoking green Oxy 80s and wasting away.  While I was more lost than I have probably ever been.  More lost than even now.

I miss the sound of people laughing at my jokes.  I miss being funny and charming in general.  I’ve lots something.  Some sort of what do they call it….? Jenesequa, the French word for “something special that you cannot explain.”  When morning comes I want to squint my eyes closed forever to never wake up.  I just want to huddle up in a tiny corner and sleep forever.  No longer feeling the pressures of life and the people who are in it.  No more expectations or sadness.  Just darkness, silence that is so Absolute that nothing or no one can negate it or change it.


Jeremiah has been enduring my heartache for so many months now I don’t even know if he can handle me anymore.  He tries with sweet kisses and breakfast in bed.  Yet I can’t pull myself back to this realm.  I’m lingering in limbo.  Tiny little nothings can and will put me over the edge and drop me into this self-hatred.  Tears and anger push me into self-mutilation.  Happiness only last so long.  Sadly its never quite long enough before another hurdle is thrown in front of me.  Im athletic enough, how come I can’t jump these hurdles with the pride of a lion jumping through a flaming hoop?








hopefully by days end my smiles will be over pouring out of my soul.


since there really is no reason for todays pain…
My heart is crying wolf.

Thank You to everyone who has been so supportive of me lately.  To the people who I never thought would have been there to all the people that I do not thank enough.

Daddy Thank you  for continuing to believe in me after I have disappointed you so numerous and severely yet you never stop believing in me. You never turn your back on me and you never have.
I remember being such a little girl and the way that I felt about how special and lucky I was to have a daddy like you.  Today I still feel that way.  In fact my years have taught me to take MORE pride and appreciation in my luck.

Shannon Mom– Thank you for caring about me.  For worrying and for being my best friend.  Sometimes we don’t understand each other but in the end we always come back to one another teary eyed and arms tangled.  You know your worth to me.  Without you I wouldn’t even be as strong as my weak little self is at this point.

AMBER NICOLE CUMMINGS THANK YOU. Thank you for being a never-ending friend to me.  Someone who I can call anytime anywhere and know that you are there to answer, to talk.  To calm me down and make me feel better.  To make me laugh when I’m all emo and sad.  To remind me how special I am and what my worth is.  You are truly someone who I never want to lose someone who without a doubt is my true RIDE OR DIE.  I love you and you are one of my best friends.  My birthday buddy! My hero when I need you my shoulder when I need one and my friend always.  thank you love.

Debbie Holmes– I don’t even know why I feel like I need to thank you.  probably just because you are someone who is sooo truly special to me.  Someone honest and true.  You have been in my life since I can remember.  Your boys are my brothers.  You are my family.  You have a way with words, a way that can convey exactly what needs to be said however hurtful it may be.  You can convey them with such love and compassion that I have always been able to learn from you.  To appreciate your knowledge and experiences.

George Abraham– thank you for being a makeshift sponsor for now.  For being the person to tell me to get a sponsor and go to some meetings.  For being someone who can relate to me and my sorrow and urges.  I appreciate your heart but more than anything I appreciate your experience.  Don’t ever forget that experience is what has made you so incredibly intelligent which you are! SO SO SO INTELLIGENT! don’t ever think anything otherwise.

and lastly but never least… always first.


Jeremiah Thank you for picking up the slack for me.  I’m so sorry that my head and heart are so damaged that they can not figure out exactly how to be a woman.  I’ve spent so long as a little girl even the word woman scares the fuck out of me.  Let alone wife , mother, or even future.  My life I have spent everyday living in the moment without a thought or a care for tomorrow.  My past is now catching up and damaging not only us together but us individually.

I’m truly sorry.

I can fix this…. just stay with me..

til later loves…



2 thoughts on “25. Surrender

  1. Hey your posts are really good and touch on subject matter that is hard to talk about sometimes. I think that you do a tasteful job on them. Very Nice

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